She was by and large mentally ill, violent, extremely controlling, and had self-image issues, changing her entire appearance to “look white.” This man was interested in Asian culture and married because he was socially unable to marry a white woman due to his political beliefs and personality quirks (he is socially conservative, a Holocaust denier and anti-Semite, extremely homophobic, very shy, not many friends, belief that white women are too liberated, extremely meek and unable to make eye contact with others, steps off the sidewalk when larger men approach, unwilling to work or make money for fear of violating Christian scripture).I was raised largely as a white child, yet turned more Asian in appearance with age.

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If you don’t believe that I am Hapa, continue reading.

I try to present the issues as honestly as I can.white-worshipping nature of yellow fever and white fever?

In short: I am the son of a foreign born Asian woman from Hong Kong who deliberately married a tall, red-haired, blue eyed, bearded white man.

She, like many Asian women, sought out a man who had a “Western” background so that she could feel integrated into her new home, and better than her fully Asian peers.

My brother and I suffered extreme psychological and physical abuse (beaten with coat hangers by our mother, Tiger Mommed, had her threaten to kill herself in front of us, threatened to crash the car with us in it).

This is a story of someone who was very sick, and in recovery.Two years after writing the below, I am leaving it word for word, as I wrote it, as proof of how I felt and feelings I still struggle with as a male of Asian heritage who clearly looks Asian, born to a mother who thought of Asian men as beneath her. Use this blog as an example of how troubled Hapas can be, some worse than others.I wrote this essay about two years ago, at the peak of a very, very damaging breakdown.Since then, thanks to a supportive community and a (now large) group of Eurasians putting their brains together, I have transformed this blog into a rational discussion of the dangers of hatred, the reality of race relations even in romance, and even discovered the source of why I was so crazy; my older posts (if you go back to the beginning) can be used as a representation of the kind of damage that was done to my mind, and the kind of psychosis that can be found in mixed young men and women without proper intervention.If I hadn’t started this blog, I would likely now be dead or imprisoned, and ironically by writing I found the source of the very unsettling problems I had no more than two years ago; hence I won’t change the title.